I hate to recycle other people’s material and pass it off as my own, but I felt the need to share this one and I feel so long as it attribute it correctly I do no wrong in the cosmos, the purity of my ka will be preserved. So before we go any further I have to say the actual meat of this post is provided by Mitch Ben and a song he performed for The Now Show on Radio 4 a couple of weeks back.
What follows is puerile punnery on the same level as that of the wonderful Panda joke which has seen me through since childhood and led to the title of Lynn Truss’ internationally controversial book on punctuation. Don’t click the link if you don’t want to spoil the punch line. As part of my preamble I will roll you the Panda joke in its original schoolboy form, rather than the sanitised version which Wikipedia prefers.
Imagine if you will a lonely lady, singleton in her Brigit Jones years, unlucky in love and perhaps starting to hear the feint tick of a biological clock. Her problem is finding a man, well, the right man. And so, she is beginning to despair after the breakup of yet another doomed relationship. About this time she meets a Panda. Initially she is wary of him, but soon they become firm friends. She confides in the Panda her fears of a life spent chasing one unfulfilling relationship after another. The Panda is a good listener and well as fluffy and cuddly. He shows empathy. He shows her compassion. There is a gentleness, a calmness which sooths her agitated spirit. Before long she feels that she has perhaps at last found her soul mate! But of course, he is a Panda. This takes some getting over. However she decides that all this prejudice against large Chinese animals is society’s closed mindedness and that if she opens up to him about her feelings and he reciprocates then truly their love will conquer all.
So she decides to make her move. She invites Panda over one evening for a meal to discuss her feelings. She spends much of the day carefully preparing a slap up Chinese meal. She tidies the house from top to bottom; she lays out the best table cloth and the best dinner service. She opens a bottle of wine and puts on some Sarah Vaughn on the stereo. Finally she slips on her lacy undergarments, attends to her makeup, and, heart pounding at the enormity of the emotional leap she needs to make, she opens to door to welcome her guest. The meal goes well, wine is drunk, another bottle is opened and she confesses her feelings to the Panda. The Panda smiles, he has been nursing a serious milk chubby for the woman since they first met and has been looking for an opening ever since. He tells her he knows what she feels because he feels it too. His heart yearns to be able to open its torrents of love for her. They ascend the stairs to the bedroom.
Well the woman has never had it like this before. Panda-style brings a whole new meaning to the art of love making. She rides the seven plateaus of ecstasy. Mind, body and soul are in perfect harmony as wave after wave of perfect pleasure courses through every sinew of her being. Eventually, after hours of tempestuous passion she falls into a deep, contented dreamless sleep in the arms (forepaws?) of the Panda.
Hours later she awakens alone. The bed is empty. The house is empty. She calls Panda on his mobile but there is no reply. She is confused. She begins to panic. Is he alright? What has happened? In the end she can think of nothing else but to look on the internet. She types “Panda” into Google and the first entry stuns her heart cold:
Panda: large mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.
Badum-tish – I thanker-you
This gag is better in the oral presentation on the grounds you don’t need to worry about the inclusion or otherwise of the comma.
Anyway, where does this leave us?
Puns of a slightly saucy nature is where it takes us. And our next stop is the unlikely terminus of comedy which is the Reckitt Benckiser Company.
You can find it on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWxAhM18QLI
Which amused me greatly and reminded me of the Panda.
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